Ink Criminating Evidence

Forget the Hague.

Yes, as hard as that seems, clear it from your criminal mind for just a second.

This week cast your eyes and ears on the International Court of Popular Opinion, to find the verdict over the mouthful of slurs to come out of the big mouth of Marco Materazzi.

For the record, Marco 'm&m' Materazzi has indeed been a tall, slim shady the last few years. A clearly low-brow, self-confessed moron and mafioso-like headhunter with a powerful knack for illegal thuggery. He'd make a great chairman at Juventus or another top club, president of Serie A Inc., or maybe even Prime Minister. Or all three at the same time like Silvio B did until recently.

Or maybe he'll eventually be coach of the Azzurri. Not a difficult task there.

Instructions are as follows: "defend resolutely" with 11 men behind the ball, be "defensive masterminds" as you're pinned back during relentless one-way pressure from the opposition, show yourselves as "defensive stalwarts" while being outplayed and outfought for endless stretches until a moment of freakishness occurs towards the very end, so as to prove that you are indeed "the greatest defensive squad of all time" since the last World Cup.

Oh, and twist a nipple or two along the way.

Materazzi also happens to have the most tattoos in this World Cup. This being the first heavily inked-up tournament, that is saying a whole lot. Well, not much actually. Does anyone really think aimless scribblings like these go beyond skin deep?.....