Access of Evil

Iranians without thick beards and turbans revisited American TV airwaves for the first time in eight years on Sunday, with a matchup against Mexico live from Guadalajara. Okay, Nuremberg. Same damn thing.

The pre-game show on ABC was hosted by Chuck Norris and Arnold Schwarzenegger. Match play-by-play presented by Henry Kissinger alongside color commentator Alan Dershowitz. On-field reporting from Pat Robertson.

Well something like that.

On Monday the U.S. team entered TV-equipped homes in Iran, as they opened up against the Czechs. No word on who the persian broadcast team was over there. But you know they mentioned this gem before Team USA ended up getting nailed in the nuts, 3-0.

That game was televised live in Iran in full terrestrial bliss. In fact all 64 games will be, which usually wouldn't be a big deal but this year it makes the feat an anomaly. Especially in that region.

Being the well-oiled rogue state that it is, Iranian officials are bucking yet another global trend by making the games all available to the public without paying serious cash for it. The only price paid for the state-run telecasts might be the time-delays to allow censors to clear out all images of attractive women and expressions of individual spontaneity.

In a world awash with media-access discrepancies, this is the first World Cup where relaxed FIFA rules on mandatory telecasts by TV rights-holders have come crashing down on the little man, allowing corporate media mo-ghouls space to run amok.

No region has felt the brunt effect of this more than the good people of the MiddlEast. From Israel to Palestine to Lebanon, Morocco to Egypt, Jordan to Iraq, finding a telecast has been as laborious as finding WMDs .

A saving grace could come from a Middleastern-based World Cup corporate sponsor. One just needs to travel a few miles to access the signal.

Ding-Dong Diplomacy

A couple of interesting events happened simultaneously this past Friday.

Two of God's foremost Chosen Ones, U.S. President George W. Bush and Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, each held ceremonies honoring their respective country's beloved football teams.

Lord, what a difference a century makes.

The last time both Iran and the USA qualified for the World Cup our planet seemed to be in a much more peaceful state. Of course, this was a long, long time ago -- 1998. France. Before all the demagoons took over.

Then, not only were the two teams grouped together (now that's real divine intervention), but prior to the match cool overtures were made. Iran, then headed by a (relatively) pragmatic head of state, splashed out with gifts, flowers and kisses for their counterparts. Meanwhile then-U.S. Prez Bill Clinton recorded a hyperbolic speech and even uttered a couple of words in Farsi prior to the match broadcast.

Ah, cross-cultural engagement. The good ol' days of geopolitics.

Here's a friendly reminder. When one sees headlines in the media like the ubiquitous 'U.S. Wants to Mess With Iran' and 'Iran Tells U.S. to F*ck Off' (paraphrasing, folks...) we're just hearing about feuding governments, not people.

Therefore its annoying to hear the talk about protesting Iran's presence at the World Cup. Especially when it's spearheaded by supporters of a peculiar government that calls itself "the Jewish State" yet avoids The Ten Commandments at every opportunity. Quite sketchy, no?

This 'Iran' we'll see on the field has a lot more to do with actual Iranian people than the 'Iran' we read about virtually all of the time. Time to start taking notes, 'America'.